No, I am not stressed out.
Sure, school is a bit hectic. I have a million articles to critique, a book to review, a movie to review, and few chapter quizzes and not to mention, midterms.
Sure, work can be exhausting despite the fact that I only put in 20 hours every week (Don't judge me! heehee). Not to mention that I have an evil co-worker who is out to get me, I think. On top of that, I am expecting the overlord of the software that I use on a daily basis to come and “TRAIN” me to catalog… wait for it… MONOGRAPHS AND BOOKS. Exciting but scary.
Sure, I have an upcoming project that piloted last Friday at the
Dog House Pub called
Flipswitch. Surprisingly we got good reviews despite the fact that we only practiced twice before the gig. And we’re going to get better, I promise. Finally, MY own band. The selection of songs will be entirely up to me. I love me some
Turbidity but this is different. This is MY band. KEYWORD=MINE
I’ll admit to being tired all the time. Podge and I hardly ever go out anymore. We just stay at home and play Infamous 2, which by the way is freaking awesome. On top of that, there is a humongous pile of laundry, no gas for the stove, and all kinds of crazy shit. People not liking my music and feeling guilty about blah blah blah.
But no, these things don’t bother me anymore. I’ve been enjoying myself a lot lately. I don’t know why, probably because I’ve cast out all evils aside. I got rid of people who constantly conjure up drama. Although, what I think did it for me was the fact that I do not care what other people think of me anymore. For a while, I was so consumed by making people like me that my whole entire existence revolved around it. I wanted be everyone’s best friend. I wanted people to see what a good girl I was. However, something happened along the way. I learned that I will never be able to please everyone. There will always be people who dislike me, think I’m an idiot or just plain envious of what I have. I’ve learned that there is no point arguing with people who cannot and refuse to see my point of view. I’ve spent countless hours crying when I found out that the person I love the most (at that time) hated me for having the things I have, hated me for being happier, made me an object of envy and resented me for being myself. It was painful. I lost people along the way.
But if that is what it takes for me to grow as a human being, then so be it. My life is far too short to be burdened with such things.
It took me a long time and a lot of courage to admit this to myself. So for the sake of closure and moving forward, I leave you with this. If I had hurt you in the past, if I had done you wrong, please forgive me. I am a better person now and would like to start over with you if you are ever so willing to do the same. For those who hurt me and done me wrong, you know who you are, I am finally letting you go, please don’t think of me ever again. I would like to be removed from you and the hell you put me through, and the hell that it is when you’re around.
To end this, I’ve posted a picture of me smiling a real smile.
And a song that I’ve been listening to for years but had only related to lately.
Slow Pony Home
It's the second September I have known you
Four years or so ago, I rode a pony, called him "Truth"
We didn`t know the way so it took us till today to get here
And all that time, I felt just fine
I held so many people in my suitcase heart
That I had to let the whole thing go
It was taken by the wind and snow
And I still didn't know that I was waiting
For a girl on a slow pony home
I can remember when I first saw you
You said in my photograph I looked more far away
I laughed and smiled and didn't say "I am a bit afraid to be here."
Setting free the anchor and looking past the shore
It's a sea of horses on ships with no sails, no motors, no oars
Now we're cleaning the windows between us two
Funny, you do it once, and then again, and pretty soon
The fingerprints and dust...
But I've begun to trust the view here.
